Hi friends – today I’m changing up my blog post style a bit. Normally I focus on Fashion + Lifestyle, but I guess we can stick this into the Lifestyle section. These are true words about how I have been feeling pretty much the past 4 months. Truly, like I wrote this with Siri while putting away groceries. I hope that this post, in some way, helps you like it did me. I love you all!
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I’ve barely posted on my blog in a really long time, but it’s mostly due to the fact that I just do not have the mental capacity to handle anything else at that moment in time (or for the past six months if I’m being truthful).
Working a full-time job and also trying to be a full-time influencer is not as fun as it might seem to be. There’s honestly nothing good about it; it’s just exhausting, all the time. If I’m trying to be a “good employee” and work late, then my blog is lacking. I’m not able to spend time creating content and vice versa. If I’m working on my blog after work, I’m thinking about how others might be working late and I don’t seem like as good of an employee.
Then it’s also the fact that I’ve only been happy at a job once and it was for about four months before everything changed. Before everything became bad. I have constant thoughts of “I don’t know if I will ever like a full-time job.” I don’t know if I will ever be happy working at a career where it has to be 9 to 5.
Where I have to go into an office. Where everything is so scheduled and forced. Then I wonder what’s wrong with me. Everyone else since the 1930’s has been happy with this life, or at least been able to pretend that they like this life. I’ve never been able to pretend that this is the life I want. I’ve never liked at 9 to 5 schedule.
The unhappiness that I feel knowing that I’ll just have to be treated like crap by employers and other people at my workplace until I either die or retire is exhausting and I hate it. Why do we just have to deal with people treating us terribly? Why are we not allowed to say, “I’m tired of being treated this way. I’m tired of being talked down to like I don’t have a degree. I’m tired of people not following up with what they said they would do.”
I feel like I’m constantly wearing a mask pretending to be someone bubbly, happy, and perfect. I’m tired of having to pretend like I’m happy all the time. I’m tired of having to be the person that everyone’s happy to see, especially when people are not treating me the way that I deserve to be treated. Why am I going above and beyond for people who shoot down every idea I have; things that would potentially help them?
The Lack of Time
I’m coming to the point in my life where it’s normal for everyone to be having children, but I still feel like I’m 19 years old. That I likely wouldn’t be ready to have a child for another 15 to 20 years, but then my biological clock will be dead and can’t produce children. Then there’s the guilt of – “Why would I bring a child into this horrible world?” Where no one is happy, the planet is dying, and women’s rights are being taken away by old white men in power.
I know I’m supposed to be happy, and I’m supposed to be taking life as it comes, but I slowly feel like everything is ticking by too quickly and I don’t have enough time to do anything. I try to spend time with friends, and then I feel overwhelmed because of work, my side hustle, and everything else that comes with being an adult. Then I feel selfish because I don’t make enough time for anyone except all of my stressors.
I think the biggest problem is that there are never enough hours in the day. By the time I finish everything with, I’m deathly tired and still haven’t cleaned my apartment. I haven’t texted friends or family back, I haven’t responded to my influencer manager, I haven’t cooked dinner. I constantly feel as if I’m failing at being a friend because I don’t have more time for people that mean the world to me.
I struggle to text back, I get social anxiety about phone calls and FaceTime calls, and I’m almost paralyzed to the point where I don’t want to speak to or interact with anyone. I don’t eat more healthily because by the time I finish with my two jobs, working out, scheduling appointments, getting groceries, etc., I’m too tired to cook anything. Then comes the self-hatred for ordering Postmates multiple times a week when I should have the energy to cook the food that is in my fridge.
The guilt then furthers itself because why should I be tired and why do I deserve a break when I don’t have any children, I don’t have pets, I don’t have anything that would cause me to not have enough time to cook for myself……but I just can’t do it. I can’t do anything when I’m tired and depressed. When I’m so anxious about all the tasks that need to be completed that I am paralyzed into doing none of them.
So while I’m posting cute, colorful, happy pictures on my Instagram, I’m actually in my bed crying and upset because I can’t act like a normal human being who is in their mid-twenties. I spend hours working on things that I think will make other people happy, when I’m never happy. I want other people to feel seen, listened to, happy, and cared for, because a lot of times I don’t feel that way myself (which is dumb because I know I am).
Growing up I didn’t really feel that way, and recently I started therapy because I know that I have trauma. Honestly, everyone born in the 90’s probably has some sort of trauma. I’m trying to break my negative childhood habits, but my therapist says that I’m doing everything right and that I’m so self-aware that there’s only a few things I need to change. I feel like I’m so messed up, but somehow I’m not.
Then, when I’m overwhelmed, the anger comes. I get even more mad at myself for being angry and snapping about something very small. Even if it’s not snapping at anyone else, and it’s just me getting angry with myself alone in a room, I still have a lot of self-hatred for not being able to handle my emotions like someone who’s 25 years old.
While I’m feeling upset about all these things going on all at once in my brain, the jealousy sets in. Instagram is toxic. Which I’m sure no one is surprised to hear. Even people who aren’t influencers know this, but it is honestly even worse for content creators. My entire life is based on comparison. Even if I try to be happy about the content I create, and I try to charge my rates because I know it’s worth more, I’m told my following doesn’t allow that level of compensation. Even if I have 4x the engagement of people with 2x the following.
The worst part about all of this is the fact that so many things are out of my control. My entire childhood, my mom always told me that you can’t focus on the things you can’t change, but no one ever tells you how to not focus on the things you can’t change. If it’s so important to you, how are you supposed to not focus on something that encompasses so much of your time and mental capacity?
I feel like I give so much. I just give, and give, and give, and I’m never able to take. Then when I start to think this, I begin feeling selfish. Frankly though, I just want people to treat me kindly. The way that I ultimately try to treat others. I think the mental load of all of this is why it’s hard for me to sit down and write a blog post and hard for me to do any work outside of creating content.
I don’t have time, I don’t have mental energy, I don’t have happiness, even though I really try to. I guess that’s why I’m writing this post today. To perhaps connect with someone who follows me, who also feels like “Adulting” is just too much all the time. Even though I do “Adulting” very well (I have all my bills on auto pay, I’ve paid off all of my debt, I bought a car in full), I still feel like I’ve done everything wrong.
If you also feel like this, I hope you know that you’re not alone. I hope you know that maybe one day we can change all of this. That we can make the workplace a better place for literally everyone. Make sure that social media is a place of happiness, where everyone gets the recognition they deserve, and where comparison to others isn’t as difficult.
I just want you to know that you deserve happiness. It’s very hard for my brain to create any type of happiness for myself, but I think eventually I can maybe get to a point where I can convince my brain to be happy. Even though I’m tired every day, maybe one day it’ll be worth. But right now, it honestly just feels like we’re being forced to suffer through a life we didn’t ask for.
I have never written anything like this before, but I hope this post helps just one person figure out that what they feel isn’t JUST their own brain talking. I feel like almost every day of my life I’m struggling mentally even thought I am on anti-anxiety meds and take all my vitamins. It’s been very hard for me to just function day-to-day, but I’m doing it, and I know you can too. Lots of love!